Introduction
My name is Tony Coward and I am an ADHD coach. I work with entrepreneurs, professionals, and business leaders, helping them to become unstuck, and to realise the full potential of their busy brain as a source of insight and possibility.
I have witnessed firsthand the limitations that people-pleasing can have on ADHDers’ lives, so let’s explore what it actually means, and look at ways you can create healthy boundaries - ones that protect your energy, respect your needs, and help you show up as your authentic self without guilt.
What is people pleasing?
On the surface, ‘people pleasing’ might sound like a positive thing – you may think ‘but surely it’s good to be the person who goes out of their way to help others out, to iron out issues, or to be available at the drop of a hat?’ And sure, it’s great to be a supportive friend, family member or colleague, however people pleasing goes way beyond that.
People pleasing describes a way of life where you consistently prioritise the wishes, needs, and comfort of others above your own. It doesn’t stem from a genuine desire to be helpful, but from a fear of disappointing those around you, or avoiding conflict when you can’t or won’t put others’ needs first.
People pleasing: the origin story
Growing up with ADHD is challenging. It’s highly likely you faced more criticism or negative feedback about your behaviour than your neurotypical peers, which can have a detrimental and long-lasting impact on your self-esteem.
It’s hardly surprising, therefore, that you may have learned to seek external validation by conforming to the needs of others – anything to keep the peace and be more likeable to the people in your life. By adulthood, this behaviour may have become ingrained so deeply that it becomes unfathomable to say ‘no’ to anyone. You may even reach a point that you don’t know what your own needs and preferences are.
Masking plays a big role here too. Many with ADHD spend their lives toning down their ‘quirks’ or hiding certain personality traits. It can become second nature to adapt yourself to something you’re not in order to fit in and keep others comfortable. Whilst these adjustments might start small and seemingly insignificant, over time, this can lead to a complete disconnection from your own wants and needs.
The cost of people pleasing
Constantly putting yourself last, unsurprisingly, has consequences. Let’s explore what those are.
Burnout
Constantly saying yes, overcommitting, or prioritising others' needs over your own can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted. Up to 93% of ADHD adults experience burnout at some point, and it’s not difficult to see why. If you’d like to read more about the impact of stress on ADHD brains, and learn how to better support yourself, check out this blog post. LINK
Resentment
Constantly saying ‘yes’ creates a situation where others come to expect it from you. Over time, you may start feeling unappreciated or taken for granted. You may feel bitter that the effort is not reciprocated or noticed.
Loss of identity
Always adapting to others can blur your boundaries and your sense of self, and eventually you might forget what you actually want or need.
Weakened boundaries
Saying ‘yes’ when you actually mean ‘no’ teaches other people they can ignore or cross your limits without consequence. This can potentially open the door to toxic dynamics or codependent relationships.
Increased anxiety or rejection sensitivity
Worrying about letting people down, being judged, or not being liked can fuel your social anxiety. It can also deepen your fear of rejection, which makes it harder to break the cycle.
Low self-esteem
When your worth becomes tied to how well you meet others’ expectations, this reinforces the belief that you’re only valuable when you're ‘useful.’
Neglecting your own needs
Emotional exhaustion from constant people-pleasing depletes the mental energy ADHDers rely on for executive function - making tasks like planning, prioritising, and self-care even harder. As these essential supports break down, guilt and overwhelm set in, often leading to more people-pleasing as a coping mechanism - trapping you in a vicious cycle that’s hard to escape.
Difficulty with authentic relationships
If you’re permanently stuck in people-pleasing mode, then others never get to see the real you. This can leave you feeling disconnected, even in close relationships.
Putting yourself first
Knowing how detrimental to your wellbeing people pleasing can be is one thing, but how can you start to change your behaviours and start prioritising yourself more?
-Spotting the signs
Changing years of habit isn’t easy, but a great first step is noticing where and when it shows up for you. Your body never lies, so if a request from a friend or colleague is accompanied by a tightened chest, a tense jaw, or a sudden fatigue, then this is a sure sign that you’re committing to something you don’t actually have capacity for.
If you notice these warning signs, STOP! Take a breath and ask yourself honestly: ‘Do I have time for this, and do I want to do this?’ Rather than answering impulsively, create a pause by saying ‘I’ll check my diary and get back to you’. Once you’ve had time to think about it, if the answer is ‘no’, explain kindly but firmly that you don’t have the bandwidth to help out right now.
-Showing up for yourself
If years of ignoring your needs have left you unsure of what you actually want, then it’s time to take stock. Take some time to reflect on what makes you happy – this may be having quiet time to yourself, pursuing your interests, travelling or spending more time with loved ones.
Knowing what you want to focus your energy on should make it easier to prioritise your free time. Start practising saying ‘no’ to people. Remember, this doesn’t have to be a conflict situation – you’re merely advocating for yourself.
If it helps, then write things down. Planning your week out ahead of time and allocating space in your calendar to focus on your needs should hopefully make it easier to refuse others if their requests conflict with your schedule.
-Learn to live with others’ disappointment
Hear me out - I realise this may sound radical after a life spent people-pleasing - but sometimes people are going to feel disappointed that you’re not doing their bidding, and guess what? That’s ok!
Some people may be surprised (and even uncomfortable!) when you start setting boundaries, but in time, they’re more likely to respect you for standing your ground. You’ve spent a lifetime dimming your own light for other people, and those who love and respect you will want you to shine.
Conclusion
Change is never easy, and things won’t happen overnight, but hopefully you now have some tools to recognise when you’re overstretching yourself, and to gently start to take steps to advocate for yourself and your own wellbeing. It’s not about becoming unkind - it’s about being kind to yourself, too. Little by little, setting boundaries will feel less scary and more like an act of self-respect. And you deserve that.
About the author
Tony is the founder of Nomadd Coaching, where he helps clients who share a determination to succeed but find themselves ‘brilliantly stuck’ due to the complexities of their ADHD. Read more about Nomadd Coaching here or book a discovery call with Tony to find out more.
